Bread of Affliction and Water of Adversity = Hope

First morning of the new year. Much too cold to sit on the deck with my coffee, but I'm pretty sure Katie dog and I will be taking a walk in a little bit. I know it's traditional to say Happy New Year and look ahead to the new year, as if waking up one morning is going to make everything different—better, happier, healthier, wealthier, wiser and all the other things we wish for. 2013 was a challenging year for our family. We have said several times that we're ready to say good-bye and to embrace 2014!  Truth be told that as hard as some of it was, I don't think I will dismiss last year so quickly, as I reflect upon it this morning. 

I did awake this morning with a sense of both relief and anticipation.  While I have made new goals for my business, new personal goals, and new goals for our family, I won’t dismiss all of what I learned last year.  Some of the “old” will definitely remain.  I realized last Sunday, through some indescribable moving of the Holy Spirit, that God has been refining me, breaking me – and breaking my heart, honing me and reshaping me particularly in the last year, to grow into the image He has for my life.

How can I say I wish anything had been different? I learned that in no uncertain terms, I am not in charge—of anything.  I can pray and beg and rail at God and He responds as He sees fit. Sometimes the two seem incompatible and diametrically opposite. I would give or do just about anything to have my Mom back with us. I have felt her though, many times since March. She is in the “serendipity” I have experienced since then. I believe whole-heartedly, she has guided some of my goal-setting and certainly intervened in a more esoteric, spiritual realm. I won’t share all the “everyday” incidents (though I am going to begin journaling them) but I have an unshakable certainty that it is so. I find myself smiling more than once a day, knowing it’s her.

I won’t presume to say that I will be at better anything or in any way in 2014.  I will only say that I will try, every single morning, to wake up with a sense of relief and anticipation. Relief to have “survived” another day on earth, and relief to wake up with the hope and promise of yet another day . Anticipation that whatever happens, whomever I meet, however things turn out, God has all of “it” all figured out. And Mom will be with me always, in the serendipity.

 

“For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it; You do not delight in burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, A broken and a contrite heart—These, O God, You will not despise” (Psalm 51:16-17).

“For the people shall dwell in Zion at Jerusalem; You shall weep no more. He will be very gracious to you at the sound of your cry; When He hears it, He will answer you.  And though the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your teachers will not be moved into a corner anymore, but your eyes shall see your teachers. Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” whenever you turn to the right hand or whenever you turn to the left” (Isaiah 30:19-21 NIV).

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth” (Matthew 5:3-5 NIV).

 

Blessings on your journey, Mary

Submitting to the Grief = Submitting to God's Will

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.  My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going” (John 14:1-4 NIV).

This morning as I type this entry, I am amazed at the radical difference between my state of mind and heart last week - and up until a mere 24 hours ago! I don't know for sure what was going in "my universe" but I felt as if I had hit a wall, or was surrounded by some huge barrier from which I could not escape.  No amount of prayer - and there was a great deal - could relieve the tremendous burden I was feeling.  I just felt - not attacked per se - like I was in some sort of struggle which I could neither define nor overcome.

Friday afternoon my mom's ashes were interred at the cemetary.  It was a beautiful, sunny day here in Richmond, but my heart was gray and dreary--and I felt that way all week! Saturday morning, it was is if I had been washed clean, set free, uplifted and unchained!  I now think that the unsettledness and heaviness could have been empathy with the struggle of my mom awaiting her final send off to heaven -- at least symbolically so.  That's probably not very sound theology.  I know her soul immediately left her body when she died on March 11, but I (and I beleive other family members have felt) as if her spirit was lingering since that time - interacting from a place between 2 realms - to comfort us, guide us, direct us, help us let go of her physical presence.

I can't help but think that the symbolic finality of her burial ended a spiritual struggle she was dealing with -- and I felt as well.  Perhaps it was only my own hesitation to let go of her--my own defiance against the cruel hurt of bearing the truth that she is gone from this world.  I wasn't present at the interment, but my dad told me it was a nice day there and the ceremony was lovely. My sisters, brother and brother-in-law were with Dad as they buried mom.  I was there in my thoughts with them - watching the clock all afternoon - thinking about what was happening and knowing how hard it was to have such finality.

The incredible vastness and intricate interweavings of the universe -- earthly and heavenly realms - is so much more apparent - and awe-inspiring now through this experience! I know without question that Mom has "intruded" into my little part of the universe more than once since she died! I have felt a change in the air pressure surrounding me - or a slight breeze or sunburst.  I don't believe these instances are due to my naievete - rather they are real and undeniable!   Heaven opens up a million times a day to allow its saints to interject themselves into the earthly realm.

Last week my business came to a screeching halt - literally no returned phone calls or texts, to responses to emails and nothing I did or said made a lick of difference. I had a sense of foreboding and doubting my decision to start the business. Beginning Saturday morning, my phone "blew up" and customers and potential team members have called, texted, emailed me!

My spiritual life took a nosedive too! Yes, I know the two are related - and I cannot/will not ever succeed without a healthy spiritual life!  My prayers felt empty, and seemed to be ineffectual. I begged God to lift the weight I was bearing. But God knew I needed to bear the grief and have only the grief upon which to focus.  I didn't like it - never will - but I was instructed that I must allow myself the space and time and thoughts that surely will be required to move through the grieving process.

As I stated previously, there is no shortcut through the grief.  I had tried to "push it down" to move on with my life.  Perhaps that was the weight I felt! Perhaps it was my own reluctance in fully embracing that my life must go on in spite of my profound sadness.

In the end it is about submission. I don't like that word - and the act even less! It was - and always will be - about submitting to God's will, His plan, His wisdom, knowledge and desire for us and our lives.  We don't have to like it - probably won't. But it is an absolute necessity if we are to thrive and flourish in this life here on earth! We must submit to God.  That truth is one with which I will struggle until the end of my days! But I am so grateful to know Jesus assures us, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?"

I rejoice that one day I will be with Mom in heaven and she will be so excited to introduce to Jesus and the saints there with her.

Blessings on your journey,
Mary

No Shortcut Through The Grief

There is no shortcut through the grief.

The interment for my mom will be on Friday and I won't be there. I didn't think I would mind initially, but I do.  I know it's "just a ceremony" but I would like to have been for to have a final "goodbye" with my dad, sisters and brother.  My dad and I drove out to the site while I was in Seattle after Mom died. It poured rain  all the way out there -- just a gray, cold morning.  As we pulled into the cemetary the sky cleared and by the time we headed back to the house it was a bright sunny day!  I think it was Mom's way of letting me know she and I had our own personal goodbye that day.

It was hard to leave Seattle for home this tme - harder than ever before, because I knew it would never be the same going back. Harder because I knew there would be no more birthday cards, anniversary cards, no more Party Mix packed in Christmas boxes.

I've had some pretty hard moments. It's only been 23 days since Mom died, after all. It still doesn't seem real - I still can't believe it. My daughter baked a batch of Mom's "famous" ginger cookies. My son and I have had several conversations about Mom and some of the funny things she did and said - and the little things that made her special. We've even speculated about future elections and what Mom/Grandma would think and who she would support (from a great vantage point!)All the things we loved about her will live on and her legacy will continue. But it's still just too new--too hard to wrap my head around.

Twenty-three days. How long before I don't cry when I remember she's gone?  Somehow my life goes on. Go to work. Fix dinner. Go to bed. Get up again and do it all again. I know that sounds trite. It's how we go on, though. And going on is really the only option.  It's how we get through each day. It's still hard, though. Still it requires sheer force of will just to turn over and get out of bed in the morning. It still involves striving not to curl up in a little ball and cry like a baby. The truth that she's gone is still in the back of my mind during every conversation and through every activity  In the moments when I allow the sadness, loss and pain to creep in, it is almost unbearable all over again.

I know it will get better.  It has to. I know there will always be "moments." And there will always be reason to smile at her memory and celebrate her life.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God" (2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NIV)
 
Blessings on your journey,
Mary

A Sign of God's Goodness

Over the years I've made many trips from our home in Richmond to southwest Virginia. I've logged many, many miles driving to and from Blacksburg, Roanoke, Radford and more recently, Fishersville, VA. The trip to Fishersville (near Staunton) takes about 1 1/2 hours and is not an unpleasant trip.

The pastoral scenery is a welcome change from the hustle and bustle of every day life. Interstate 64 West passes by Charlottesville, and then on toward the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains. Afton Mountain is perhaps the best known single mountain in the area, notorious for it's fog during rainy weather, but a regular tourist attraction on those days when the vantage point from the two scenic overlooks, 5 miles apart, offer a breathtakingly beautiful view of the valley.

Several months ago on one of my trips to Fishershville, I almost drove off the road! Today as I traveled to pick up my son, I listened to an Eddie Willis CD. The weather this morning and a particular song he sang reminded me of that day. He sang that he found comfort as he shared "each rising grief" and "gloomy doubt" with a gracious God who bids us seek His face.

I had been waging spiritual warfare for some weeks. I was struggling on several levels with some fundamental truths and how they had and were impacting my life. For several days prior to the trip I had been praying ardently that God would take this burden from me that I had carried for a long time. It was interfering with my growth, emotionally as well as spiritually.

Giving over this burden was a fiercely won victory, as God had been asking to take it from me for many years. Like an addict, I had to hit "rock bottom" of my own resources and strength before I was ultimately willing and able to lay this burden at the foot of the Cross.

I believed I had made a breakthrough and emotionally and spiritually wounded and battered as I was, when I awoke this particular morning, I felt as if God had lifted it from me, finally and forever. I felt free, though battle-weary. I headed off to pick up my son to bring him home for a weekend visit and the weather was just stunningly beautiful. I looked forward to having the quiet time in the car on the way down to rejoice and praise God, to thank Him and to worship Him with all of nature.

I began my descent off Afton Mountain; the road curved to the left, and as I rounded the bend, the landscape appeared to open up, mountains falling away except directly in front of me! From behind the mountain in my direct line of sight were 8 white jet streams, heading upwards, each at a precise angle - almost like someone had set off fireworks!

It was the most spectacular and breathtaking sight! Each of the jet streams were the same size and height -- extending so high I couldn't locate the top end. They formed a fan shape, had they been part of a connect-the-dots. I thought at the time it was like God's fireworks, affirming and assuring me. I almost had to pull off to compose myself; I stared at the spectacle and lost track for a few split seconds of where I was. I felt so caught up in the Spirit.

I have never seen such a sight before or since! It just doesn't happen! Perhaps they were actually clouds, but I doubted there could be so many, so perfectly formed and placed equidistant apart. I look for anything similar every time I pass that patch of mountain road, and have not been successful. The photo in this post is the closest I have found to how the sky looked that day. But the image of it is burned in my eyes, my mind and most important in my heart. God was speaking to me that day! I heard Him loud and clear! My heart is ever lighter since that day! I am still almost giddy about the weight He lifted from me!

God does indeed bid us seek His face. He longs for us to lay our burdens down so that we can be free of our earthly woes. He opens wide His arms, beckoning us come to Him. It is not until we decide to seek His face that we find true joy, real peace or experience absolute love.


"Turn to me and have mercy on me; grant your strength to your servant and save the son of your maidservant. Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me" (Psalm 86:16-17 NIV).

"But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations" (Psalm 33:10-12 NIV).