It’s been too long since I visited my blog. But perhaps has been just the right length of time. At first I was thinking I have finally found my way “back” a year and a half after mom’s death; then 8 months ago a major reorganization at my job where I have grieved no longer being part of the group I was a part of for three years. Rather I have found my way through. I am not the same person I was then. And God has worked mightily in me – sometimes, I fear, to no avail. Other times, I seem to have been more receptive and pliable in His hands.
I had no idea it had been 3/4 of a year since my last post. What a journey! What a ride! I suppose that if I had been true to my purpose for starting and maintaining this blog I would have been sharing it all over the past 9 months.
I won't condemn myself for NOT. I know it might have been helpful to others. But God and I have been having some heated conversations . . . some battles of the will . . . well . . . not really . . . I have been struggling, growing, exploring, journeying . . . and well, living life every day. And He has been gracious enough to allow my engagement - if not always my cooperation :)You may wonder if my faith is less or diminished in any way - and perhaps attribute my lapse to that. But exactly the opposite is true. Very few things in life have turned out as I planned them. Very few. But many things have turned out far better than I could ever have fathomed with my small, limited, one-dimensional view of life and grace and living on this earth. Yes, I have sought knowledge, wisdom, insight and God has seen fit to share all of those with me - sometimes to my chagrin, other times to my utter delight.
One way I've changed: I hunger for correction, redirection, molding, reshaping, deepened understanding and self-awareness. Hard to believe! Even more difficult to understand! I've had some profound, earth-shattering, comforting, disheartening and hope-filled moments and hours on my deck in the mornings these past months. God has chosen to swoop down from heaven with the same persistence with which I seek His touch, wisdom, thoughts,
We are all just fragile forms, trying to get through each moment, hour, day, month, year, with whatever we can muster. I am awed by the strength of human conviction, by the courage of those who should cower in fear, by the hope of those who have no reason to be hopeful.
And it makes me glad to wake up each and every morning. Without my mom. Without all the other people and things that I value and have clung to, without having accomplished all the things I think I should have accomplished. I rejoice! Because in spite of my rebellion, refusal, denial, lack of cooperation, hesitation and doubt, God still loves me as His perfect and wondrous creation and longs for me to live in to and up to all He has created me to be and do.
Don't know when I'll post again, but know my dears, that I pray for each and every one of you often and seek His blessings, grace, peace and hope upon your lives.