Wow! It's been a month since I last posted. Perhaps I should have been sharing more. Believe me, there has been plenty going on on so many levels this past month!
Every once in a while I catch a glimpse of two things. First is the person I really want to be - all the time - even in crunch time - even in times of stress - even when in pain - yes, even if I were to lay dying.
It's who I saw my mother become in the last year of her life. The transformation was nothing short of a miracle; an example of God answering prayers in ways we can never imagine. Mom had a healing--not of her body, but of her heart, of the struggles/burdens that plagued her for many years. It was a healing I know we had all prayed for over the years, but I don't think any of us ever really thought about asking God to really, truly, absolutely and completely grant her the kind of peace on earth she - and we - experienced throughout her cancer journey (and our journey with her and my dad). It was nothing short of a miracle. And a gift - real gift that I will never be able to thank God for enough.
I want to be that person now. I want to be whole and happy and at peace and to feel - and live as if I feel - blessed. Every day. All the time. Through pain. Through disappointment. Through everything.
The second thing I glimpse sometimes (probably not often enough) is who I really am. And I wince when that person looks back at me in the mirror of my mind. I'm not a terrible person. But I've done so many things of which I am not proud. I've acted badly and been selfish, self-righteous and yes, just downright sinful. I'm not "that person" all the time. I just act like that person sometimes. And I don't like that person at all.
I am trying very hard these days to be more like the person I want to be--and desperately hope to become. Because I am so very blessed. So, so blessed. I recently shared that when I say I'm blessed it doesn't mean I have everything I ever wanted! (Though I certainly have far more than I deserve). Blessed is state of mind and heart. It has become my way of "being" (or at least my attempt to be this way). God is so very good and I can't help but praise him for every blessing.
My prayer today - for today and each and every day I am alive - is that I speak words of love and kindness. That I think thoughts only of others and how I can minister to them. That I think only thoughts of God's grace and healing. And while I am certain I will never be the person I truly want to be, I learned through my mom's final months and in the months since, that God's will is infallible. He answers prayers we cannot even dare to utter. He hears our cries for hope and help and healing that are uttered in soundless, breathless sobs. And He answers.
I really miss my mom today. It sneaks up on me. It hits me out of the blue. And then I remember that she told us she was happier than she had ever been in her life weeks before she died. Blessed is I think what she meant. For perhaps the first time she was able to see her life from an eternal view point. One that surpasses all human toiling, striving, struggling and dreaming. Perhaps she realized she had everything she could ever have hoped for - and far more than she deserved - more than any of us deserve.
I want to live like that every day. I want it to seep into my heart and my mind and into every cell of my body. I want to live blessed - not like I'm blessed - live rightly because I am blessed. My mom taught me many things throughout my life and touched many people throughout hers. Being blessed is perhaps the most significant lesson of all. And she was. And I was, and always will be, as her daughter.
Blessings on your journey,